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(Anonymous) on June 18th, 2019 05:44 am (UTC)
First impression: This version flows much better than the earlier version. There is now a bit more character development and narrative arc for the witches, who start the story is a bad situation and, partly through their own efforts, end the story with a bright future ahead of them. Bran, Oscar, and company no longer steal the show, and neither does Xen or any of the Old Gods. Definitely a better story than before.

There's still something about it that seems odd, but I can't precisely place my finger on it. If I can figure it out, I'll add another comment.

(Anonymous) on June 18th, 2019 02:49 pm (UTC)
Feels better. The changes worked.

Still feels rushed in places and the grammar and style are a bit uneven.
I think Bran, Oscar and all their party need a bit of explanation about who they are, where they were, and who and what happened to them. Especially the women, who are just interchangeable names, without personality or context for their being in the story. Even the harem bit doesn't get mentioned until near the end.

This story is lifted from events that happened several books ago. It doesn't stand alone. For a stand alone piece, more development on mages and Mage wives would be useful. Also a bit of explanation about what the old gods were.

And I can totally not remember who Gre is and how they teamed up.
matapampamuphoff on June 18th, 2019 03:36 pm (UTC)
I think the problem is that the two groups don't really connect. I need to fix that. A bit. I don't want this to turn into a novel that won't be published for year.

Maybe some attraction between Fair and Oscar, then at the end, saying good bye.
(Anonymous) on June 18th, 2019 07:18 pm (UTC)
I think you've put your finger on the main problem.

I think the other anonymous commenter makes a good point about lack of background/introduction for Bran, Oscar, and company. Bran and Oscar may have been mentioned enough that they don't need too much introduction, but the rest of the crowd not so much.

(Anonymous) on June 19th, 2019 01:15 am (UTC)
Not turning into a long novel
Things take as long as they take. By all means keep it short if you wish, but don't skimp on quality just because you want something out now. Love your work and I've bought most of your books.

Your name is your brand and a big asset, so take care about what goes out under your brand.
mbarkermbarker on June 21st, 2019 02:48 am (UTC)
Might expand on the meeting? I mean, we have the three witches, the boss (Doscompos?), and Bran and Oscar... almost in a classic "Who the hell are you" face-off, but it kind of fizzles without much happening. What if they do a three-way "this is who we are, and what we want" dance at that point?
matapampamuphoff on June 22nd, 2019 04:13 pm (UTC)
Revised manuscript is up, and yes, I did fix most of what you guys found before I replace the whole thing.

My main question is going to be if they need a parting scene, or possibly the Mayor, Doscompos, and Fair talking to King Leano and Rufi
stan_millerstan_miller on June 23rd, 2019 04:31 am (UTC)
Still a few too many switches between using Estaven and Doscompos, around page 32 in particular.

I like it ending as it does, maybe have Xen mention: "I brought a corridor and an invitation to visit the King's court and establish relations." if you need that to happen later.