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26 March 2019 @ 09:07 pm
Editing  
Sic 'em

Especially continuity errors.

Don't fuss about the formating, it always gets borked between my machine and Google docs.

I'll probably add more to the ending, tell me if it's too abrupt.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17kzLfG2mzNmP6NaNycQaVcKqtxC0R28O2eDVIMAxPvE/edit?usp=sharing
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on March 27th, 2019 06:07 am (UTC)
Tense
When this suit growl the

growled

Bryan
(Anonymous) on March 27th, 2019 07:08 am (UTC)
marconi cage

I think Fariday cage?

Bryan
Michawl Dolbear: pic#111005956Michawl Dolbear on March 27th, 2019 03:27 pm (UTC)
Faraday cage

I agree and this has come up before.

Edit. 2015 same text and also in Outlaws of the Solar System

Edited at 2019-03-28 01:47 am (UTC)
(Anonymous) on March 27th, 2019 03:22 pm (UTC)
Peter Rhodan??


I keep wanting to read that as PERRY Rhodan - who was the star of a very long running sf series from the 60s from a German publisher. I ran across them in the late 60s/early 70s in pulp editions. really strange stories, but the whole series was never translated.

It's not WRONG, it just keeps catching my eye.

darqref
matapampamuphoff on March 27th, 2019 05:27 pm (UTC)
The frame story is his fault. One of my few tuckerizations.
(Anonymous) on March 27th, 2019 11:18 pm (UTC)
I have another thought. If you could end each tale with a paragraph or so of Peter reading the end of the report aloud (with just a bit more info than the dates and declassification) then it would transition into the framing story better.

darqref
(Anonymous) on March 27th, 2019 11:51 pm (UTC)
I'm continuing to read Planet Purple and time and dates sound off.
Quote:
....because the man fascinated him. He had his shields up all the time. In public he'd felt like a low powered Oner. Servaone. Yet somehow his eyes weren't shuttered. They were deep and powerful. Eleven years ago he'd infiltrated Oner society and shaken it to the roots. Saved the President's life, stopped the invasion of his own world, and changed the Oner's view of the multiverse forever. .... endquote

Eleven years? the actual spying only took several months. Rael spent a year in critical care, then most of another year at home recovering. Then how long on hold before confronting Xen again? Previous stories don't make that sound like 6 to 8 years, and that confrontation only happened mere weeks ago. Dates can just be numbers, and the principal people in these stories live very long, but this seems like an unexplained gap. (but one only noticeable by someone who has read most everything.)

darqref
matapampamuphoff on March 28th, 2019 12:32 am (UTC)
Good catch! Five years.
(Anonymous) on March 28th, 2019 11:25 pm (UTC)
"Sneak a Peek" appears to have a continuity error. If I understand right, the story happens after the end of "Earth Gate", and includes Earth re-establishing contact with Purple. However, when speaking to Ambassador Montgomery in "Embassy" Garit says "We have, in our explorations, located Planet Purple. They are quite angry with us and are demanding we allow them to re-establish trade with Earth."

--TheOtherSean
matapampamuphoff on March 29th, 2019 12:39 am (UTC)
My life would be so much simpler if I'd just write a story, publish it and then write the next one . . .

How's this read?

***
They found some of their Mining worlds, with and without survivors.

And started talking about deporting “all those bastard Halfbreeds.” There were articles about trying to find Purple, to send “their citizens home.” And increasingly. “Or somewhere else.”

Jeff found himself dealing with fourteen upset people.

“I never set foot on Purple! What would I do there?” Bee was on the brink of hysterics, and the smaller kids were crying. Peter was beating out a hot spot on the sofa.

Jeff raised his voice. “Quiet down! Hush now. What you will do is cope.”

They were up in the big apartment, but the door was open with Momma Golden and Shelly listening half to him and half to the kids in their apartments, down the stairs they were standing at the head of.

“Bee, do you think they don’t have jewelry shops on Purple? Shelly, you know there will be women wanting their hair and nails done, right?” he looked around at them. “You kids are doing well in school, you’ll just have to finish up there, and get jobs there instead of here.”

“But . . .” Victoria looked at him, big eyes pleading. “This is home! And, and, they’re calling us mutants!”

“And they’re talkin’ about just dumpin’ us on any old world, just to get rid of us!” Bee wasn’t calming down.

Even Shelly was upset. “We’re city people, what will we do if they dump us in a howling wilderness?

Jeff scrambled for something to say and stopped as he spotted the two men peering around Mamma Golden.
(Anonymous) on March 29th, 2019 02:32 am (UTC)
I think it reads well - and matches the type of behavior also seen from the government of Nuked Earth, which pushed stranded Purps out to the mining worlds.

--TheOtherSean
(Anonymous) on March 30th, 2019 09:29 pm (UTC)
Magic error?
"At least, that was the idea. Eldon took one look at the pretty little arab horses and mild mannered 'Wild Trek' mounts that were all Mike could find, and walked his corridors to bring in three of the mares. With illusions of being solid black, bay, and chestnut, the big pintos willingly reared on command, scooped up screaming women, leaped cars and galloped off."

Iirc illusions do not work on cameras. Thus the mares would not show up on film as being solid whatevers, but as pintos.
matapampamuphoff on March 30th, 2019 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Magic error?
Yeah. I thought I had that at the end? Grr. I'd better check which version . . .
Michawl Dolbear: pic#111005956Michawl Dolbear on March 30th, 2019 10:21 pm (UTC)
RE: Magic error?
Yeah, I brought that up when Super Star was first posted and suggested that CGI would have to be used post shoot.