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(Anonymous) on January 13th, 2019 12:10 am (UTC)
Real zoomed in on the map.

mbarker: Me typing?mbarker on January 13th, 2019 10:42 am (UTC)
Afterthought... Ryol mentions several times getting a good grade for social studies and history. Might toss that in somewhere in the epilogue?
mbarker: Me typing?mbarker on January 13th, 2019 12:24 pm (UTC)
Sorry, one more late idea. Just pondering. You might throw in a helpful guide at the end, indicating...

Are you interested in finding out more about Ra’d? Read Warriors of the One (Wine if the Gods book 16)
Would you like to know more about Ryol and Rael? Read Children of a Foreign God ...

And so forth. I.e., add a little teaser that guides people who might read this short story and want to know more about the main characters where they can look for more details. Might even throw in a Do you want to know how it all started? Read ... or a series guide?
matapampamuphoff on January 13th, 2019 02:16 pm (UTC)
Hmm, that's an idea.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on January 13th, 2019 08:29 pm (UTC)
Like Jane Virgo I think that the passage starting

"What or where will put you one up on Arno?"

Needs tweaking to match with Children of a Foreign God

Maybe Arno is planning an interview with the talking smart horses (which Ryol cannot do) so Ryol needs to trump that.
(Anonymous) on January 13th, 2019 09:46 pm (UTC)
If the homework is due before Ryol's next trip to Embassy, which seems implied, then Arno being able to cover Embassy/Disco & provide his own pics is probably sufficient to need topping, especially since we have previously seen that they compete academically.
(Anonymous) on January 14th, 2019 11:03 am (UTC)
Dear Tyrant
For some unknown reason, you have only addressed the second half of the comments in the document. None of the first half appear to have been addressed. I don't understand why, but I thought I would mention it in case something has prevented you from seeing them.
matapampamuphoff on January 14th, 2019 01:42 pm (UTC)
It's an ongoing process. I'll go back and update my master copy several times, and people keep coming back and finding more before I've even finished. Not to worry. They'll all get done.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on January 16th, 2019 02:46 am (UTC)
Oops - ex post facto
In the comments Jane Virgo spotted and Pam made a small change.

In Children of a foreign god, Arno didn't have riding experience. Before Embassy.

Now ++". . . Arno," she rolled her eyes, "is gaga over the Comet Fall horses on Embassy. He was an all right rider, but he didn't go crazy until he went to Embassy."++

But Pam's minions/slaves/betas missed the disconnect in Children of a Foreign God

==Arno looked up at her back. Much taller than the lesson horses back home!
She nodded at a boulder. :: Try from there. :

==Utly was a city boy, and had had lessons.
Arno learned how to ride, both with and without tack. ==