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05 January 2019 @ 10:52 pm
_Children of a Foreign God_ the Editing  
Sic 'em

Since I wrote this as two separate documents, years apart, then combined them, I'm especially concernered with continuity errors. Things being commented on or reacted to, before they happen, and so forth.

Second concern, I have the kids vs the Priests at the end. Since that isn't the "climactic battle" I'm wondering about putting it the night before the kids go into the tunnel. Opinions on that?

Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on January 6th, 2019 05:36 pm (UTC)
In Chapter 24 - second school

Oh One! It's true, I really am half-Fallen.

*** Out of continuity, needs rewrite.

Rael has known about Bran Butcher . . . since Flying and see also Last Merge and Meet the Family
(Anonymous) on January 6th, 2019 06:02 pm (UTC)
Xen thought about needing sewage systems in Embassy and in Cooking Hot, he and Q put public washrooms in the square for the cook-off because they knew where the pipes were. This implies, although it does not prove, that there was already a sewage system in place. This is especially true as Disco must have some sort of sewage system, so "I forgot" is not an explanation. Perhaps a paragraph explaining how there wasn't one would be useful.
mbarkermbarker on January 7th, 2019 12:35 am (UTC)
Re: Sewers
Many rural areas and small towns make do with septic tanks. Works quite well, too... although switching over to a sewage system then can be quite a task.
(Anonymous) on January 6th, 2019 06:47 pm (UTC)
The bear cub is startled not started?

Also, Irwun and Arwen are used interchangeably a couple of times

matapampamuphoff on January 6th, 2019 08:25 pm (UTC)
Irwun--one of Eden's twins, still traveling with the Smuggler sisters.

Arwen--Hwen, the older of Ambassador Ashe's children.

Both present in one scene. Arlene, one of the Purp kids, having never been in a book before, is now Marion.

I'll check the other pair and make clear who's talking at any given time.
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 03:30 am (UTC)
Isn't Arwen actually the middle child, with Asnu (a.k.a. Good) as the eldest child waiting on law school admission as of "Cooking Hot"?

matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 03:40 am (UTC)
Yes. Would have sworn I wrote oldest daughter.
(Anonymous) on January 6th, 2019 07:33 pm (UTC)
Perhaps a bit racy for a 14 yr old
"I want to check the publicly available vids of the assignation attempt."
Do they stop being public when the clothes come off, or merely blur out?
matapampamuphoff on January 6th, 2019 08:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Perhaps a bit racy for a 14 yr old
*sigh* This is why writers need beta readers.
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 06:36 am (UTC)
Re: Perhaps a bit racy for a 14 yr old
Forgive the snark. Sometimes I am too easily amused.
matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 11:50 am (UTC)
Re: Perhaps a bit racy for a 14 yr old
Hey, at least you saw it!
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 01:16 am (UTC)
Lots of double spaces and strayed apostrophes. I probably missed a few yet, I'll try to run through it again later.

Can either Vero or Verry (waitress and cook at the kitchen, respectively) swap with someone less alliterative? I think Verry's only mentioned once, as working with Wren, but Vero has more time on the page.

Laughed out loud when Damian's bastard-princess-foster-daughter gave them a taxi ride. I love details like that. Of course his kids are on Embassy, and of course they're in transport.

matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 11:58 am (UTC)
Some things--like double spaces--just needs "Remember to search and replace the double spaces," and not every incident pointed out.

And for anyone new to this, don't worry about the formatting, it doesn't transfer properly from MS Word to Google doc. Double checking it is the last step before I publish.
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 03:49 pm (UTC)
I did not know that! Will flag one going forward. (I always forget that prople don't put two after a period anymore, so it did not even occur to me that you could find and replace them all.)

(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 06:38 am (UTC)
Picky again
“We will come to. Of course.” should probably be “We will come too. Of course.”
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 06:52 am (UTC)
Is this a new version of the document?

'cos all the anonymous edits/comments from yesterday seem to be missing (& of mine, the only one I specifically remember was a query about when Xen met the Cyborgs).
matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 11:54 am (UTC)
As I fix my master copy, I also change the Google doc and remove the comments, so you guys can find all new errors. I may need to delete and replace this one, as it's doing weird things.

In _Meet the Family_, Xen is recuperating from his first Cyborg encounter, hence the "ouch!"
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on January 7th, 2019 06:46 pm (UTC)
When Pam removes my comments, Google Doc sends me an email since it knows who I am. For most of the others, I think it doesn't know.
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 08:58 pm (UTC)
Yeah, if I remember to sign in, I get the emails, too. Also Pam can then see that it's my suggestion, which makes me feel better, because if my comment makes no sense to her she knows where to find me.

matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 10:18 pm (UTC)
Huh. I didn't know that. Well, be assured that I accept 90% of the comments and change both the doc and my master copy.
(Anonymous) on January 7th, 2019 04:04 pm (UTC)
In regards to the location of the climatic battle, I think the kids' actions against the Priests is the climatic moral battle. They have no moral qualms about beating up kidnappers. Since this is a story about growing up, finding out who you really are, and what you really believe in, I think that's the more important fight-the one over what they believe is right, not the physical fight. (I do doubt Rael's choice to hide her paternity from the twins is wise, but certainly pro-future plots. Some cousin/sibling is going to say "Hey, you look like a Xen/Bran cross. Like me! Did Bran get on One World?" and it's going to throw them right back into "Mom and Dad lied to us" fourteen-year-old mindset, and at that point the only adults who didn't lie to them are their Fallen family.)

matapampamuphoff on January 7th, 2019 04:21 pm (UTC)
That's an excellent point.
James ResoldierJames Resoldier on January 9th, 2019 02:59 am (UTC)
Continuity issue
From Chapter Twenty-one
Back to Reality

"Well . . . yes and no. I didn’t know what to expect. I mean, learning magic by having sand fights? The horses . . . I didn't expect the horses. They were just incredible. And they do talk. No matter what Ryol says."

Continuity issue. No mention of actual sand fights was mentioned earlier in the volume, but I distinctly remember the snippet. It was a very funny one.
James ResoldierJames Resoldier on January 9th, 2019 03:12 am (UTC)

Found the sand fight scene a couple chapters later. Still, that one comment is out of place.

1stew1stew on January 9th, 2019 05:42 pm (UTC)
more Goats
I'm unhappy with the lack of security for the kids. The tunnel battle is the second attempt. This sorta gives Embassy more of a Cold War Berlin atmosphere than it already must have. Xen is way way to lassie-faire about the kids security post this first attempt...why should the miscreatents stop their attempts? The dog Pig is he assigned to follow the kids or just happens to hang out with them during the first attempt? We don't know. If the was assigned then where is he for the second attempt? Arno forms a solid relationship with the Black Mare but then this thread disappears. I have been reading a lot of Wuxia style stuff that needs instant killing for this kinda of behaviour but still the punishment does not fit the crime. Those fellas should be goat statues outside their respective embassies for a century or so. Pig should definitely lift his leg on them as well!
There should be a mention during the tunnel battle that they can't throw fireballs because they don't have the sun as they have gained those skills already.
Lastly TELEPATHY! This is used vary intermittently please make it understood why they don't use it to call for help, have ultra private conversations, or can't do two things at once like hold a shield and place a call.
Not sure you have heard the song "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords. But these teenage boys at 15 are playing it really really loud. Actually maybe "Sugar Lumps"
Overall as usual an excellent story. But please please don't let these bad guys off so easily! The society issue you handle beautifully by getting the kids out of the crosshairs but spies should know that they are on the home turf of the God of Spies and they should see and know that smackdown is coming for them!
matapampamuphoff on January 9th, 2019 08:54 pm (UTC)
Re: more Goats
Tsk! You guys just love blood and gore. Ten men, trained soldiers and whatnot, not soft office workers. Eight kids. The kids won without even having to think about using lethal force.

But perhaps I should make it clear . . .

“Ambassador Mubera of Discordia, Ambassador Haemon of Neo Helios, Ambassador Ipti of Other One, if you would join me down here?”

He didn’t even glance at them, just pulled a long narrow table out of nowhere and set it on the stage. Fastened the bubble he’d removed it from to the top of the table.

Of course they didn’t come alone. Bodyguards and advisers glaring at each other, glancing a little nervously at him. They managed to arrange themselves in three clumps. Discordians on the left, glaring. Helios dead center, apprehensive. The Other Oners on the right, embarrassed and defensive.

“I would like to start by pointing something out. Three groups of adult men, ten total, versus eight fifteen-year-olds. The kids not only won, they were sufficiently disciplined—and powerful—that they didn’t even think of using deadly force. Your people had no idea of what the were risking, and that’s without adding me, their father, to the equation.

“You really need to think about the downside of those kids losing their nice civilized restraint.

“You need to fear what I will do.

“Yes, Ambassador Ipti, I do realize that your pair were acting on the spur of the moment. I suggest that you send them home, and request non-rapists guards for your embassy. Ask the first One World what happened when attacking girls got to be a habit.”

The people in front of him looked more aggressive than defensive. Pity. Sooner or later I’ll kill someone and the diplomatic consequences will be . . . interesting. Thank God the kids aren’t in that position.

“As you know, Comet Fall is well known for spells, potions, and genetic engineering . . .

Edited at 2019-01-09 09:00 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous) on January 10th, 2019 12:44 am (UTC)
Has commenting closed?
Dear Tyrant,
I didn't have time to go over the document earlier, but now the link doesn't work anymore. I imagine you got lots of help from your other slaves though.
matapampamuphoff on January 10th, 2019 04:21 am (UTC)
Re: Has commenting closed?
Yep, in fact it just went live.