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24 July 2018 @ 04:25 pm
_External Relations_  
I can't look at it any longer. Find, especially, plot holes, scenes in the wrong order, horrible trasitions and whatever.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vrng_ZjQp3lNEcEAjoTrNuR-9R_5-Sy8wpyTn8JqUVk/edit?usp=sharing
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on July 25th, 2018 07:14 pm (UTC)
Timelines
You appear to have Izzo thinking about the kid's rebellion before Q tells him about it. She tells him in chapter 18, he thinks about it in chapter 16.
matapampamuphoff on July 26th, 2018 12:53 am (UTC)
Re: Timelines
Thank you!
cnmckenney on July 26th, 2018 08:06 pm (UTC)
Jack's Problem
Sounds like Jack needs access to a post-WWI world or equivalent, particularly the European continent. He is in desperate need of civilized and civilizing women and Post-WWI Europe was in need of young men.
Another potential problem is the disparity of power between the Oner team members and the Earther mercs. A quick application of illicit Comet Fall potions seems indicated.
A third opportunity is the lack of farmers in the group. Unless they intend to live strictly on hunting Jack is going to need farmers to provide long term food.
And next...and next,...and next...
Pretty soon we may see Jack running for the nearest Gate to turn himself in for relief from the compounding problems that he as BOSS is supposed to solve.
Maybe he could show up in the middle of the cook-off?
matapampamuphoff on July 26th, 2018 09:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Jack's Problem
I'm thinking Jack's Cross-Dimensional Trading Post.
cnmckenney on July 29th, 2018 12:34 am (UTC)
Re: Jack's Problem
Interesting idea. As long as he keeps his head down and doesn't go x-frame raiding they will probably ignore him. Seems about right for Disco's elastic resolution requirements.
Then you can use the trading post as a basis for short and medium length stories a la various saloon and bar based collections. And the various politys can use it as a neutral base for further spying and clandestine black dealing.
Call the fort Casablanca or maybe Ricks?
matapampamuphoff on July 29th, 2018 02:10 am (UTC)
Re: Jack's Problem
Yep. Anyone who stops making trouble, gets a pass.

Now, how pissy Earth is going to be is hard to say.

But if Arrow connects this world to the maze, the smuggling witches, the camping newsies, and occasional exploratory teams may appreciate a place where they can swap stuff, kick back with a beer, get a good meal . . . and no one cares if they haven't cleaned up from sleeping rough.
Mike Weatherford on July 26th, 2018 08:22 pm (UTC)
That was an experience! I wish quite a few other authors used this for beta reading. I hope what I've done is useful.
matapampamuphoff on July 26th, 2018 09:03 pm (UTC)
It's all useful. And this way I only have one set of corrections to make, instead of . . . however many volunteers I have.
(Anonymous) on July 27th, 2018 04:54 pm (UTC)
Number of clans
You have Izzo thinking "thirty thousand clans" in Black Point Clan there 3 thousand two hundred and change.


Bryan
matapampamuphoff on July 27th, 2018 06:08 pm (UTC)
Re: Number of clans
This is why writers need beta readers. Thank you.
(Anonymous) on July 27th, 2018 07:29 pm (UTC)
Wanted more Flu
I enjoyed the chance to pre-read your next story! When I was done I wanted more about Flu and her friends. It seemed very anti-climatic and I kept waiting for some kind of "reveal" when the older generation finally noticed that the teenagers had disappeared. Or some kind of confrontation between Flu and her family. Also, I don't remember any interaction between Flu and her "new" half-brother, the son of the Governor, once she found out the truth about her father. Or any mentioned of the Governor finding out that his son had rebelled and fled. It was like, oh the kids all ran away, Q is going to keep an eye on them, next scene... So that part just didn't feel finished to me.
matapampamuphoff on July 27th, 2018 10:37 pm (UTC)
Re: Wanted more Flu
I've actually added a small scene with Flu show her Grandfather the new planet. But yeah, it pretty much got lost in the Big Fight and aftermath.

I should add a last bit with her.
Nancy naleta on July 29th, 2018 02:08 am (UTC)
Apologies
I want to apologize for the format suggestions. They happened when I was trying to read the document on my phone. It kept jumping out of view only mode and I accidentally made those suggestions when I was trying to get back into view only so I could read the story.
matapampamuphoff on July 29th, 2018 02:13 am (UTC)
Re: Apologies
Going from Word to Google Docs messes up the formatting, so I just ignore any suggestions. I'm glad to know where the suggestion that I put a "7" in there came from, though. It was kind of puzzling. :D