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25 February 2018 @ 02:14 pm
_Black Point Clan_  

Ready for a last check--although I think you guys have done it before.


I'll publish it in a week or so, and then go on to _Project Dystopia_.

James ResoldierJames Resoldier on February 26th, 2018 06:24 am (UTC)
muirecanmuirecan on February 26th, 2018 06:32 am (UTC)
I will try and not add a bunch extraneous marks this time.
(Anonymous) on February 26th, 2018 04:33 pm (UTC)
I'll go through later and add comments for the typos that I found, but there was general comment and a continuity issue I thought I'd mention. First, I think the current draft has a slightly smoother flow and fits the current state of the Wine of the Gods universe better than the one I last saw posted here on the blog.

The continuity issue I notices is that the positions Izzo and Xiat hold seem to wander around. Izzo is referred to at various times as subdirector of Analytics, Central Region, European Region, and Imperial Analytics. When Izzo gets promoted to acting directory and he tells Xiat to take over his old job, she muses about being left in charge of Central Region Analytics, and then later is referred to a "Sub-director of Imperial Analytics."

I'm not sure if it is an issue, but I think there may have been a few spots where here title is referred to as investigator, despite having earlier mentioned the transfer from criminal investigation to analysis. Most of the people in analysis roles in "Empire of the One" seemed to be titled Analyst (or Regional Analyst, Senior Analyst, etc.).

There's also still a comment along the lines of /// Update kids /// left in, from when Fean is taking Xiat to Eldon.

matapampamuphoff on February 26th, 2018 05:26 pm (UTC)
Yeah, at this stage of editing I'm so punchy I miss things like ///check this/// actually get checked.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on February 27th, 2018 02:11 am (UTC)
Hi Pam and all.

I suggested a change from "cut off" (a person) to "cut-out" and then discovered it wasn't in the smaller dictionaries.

So (OED)

4. A person acting as middle-man, esp. in espionage. slang.

1963 J. Joesten They call it Intelligence i. i. 44 A very important figure in espionage is the ‘cutout’. This is a trusted middleman.

This is the meaning intended by the context and I can't see such a meaning for cut off. Middleman might also do.
matapampamuphoff on February 27th, 2018 02:39 am (UTC)
Yes, I like the term better, so I swapped it. Now I just need to dig through and make their job titles consistent.

And I swear that I changed some of those errors already . . . but it was probably the same errors in Nowhere Man. :: sigh ::

Anyhow I edited a lot of the Fean and Xiat visit Eldon scene, it's in orange highlight if you want to see what I did.
cnmckenney on February 28th, 2018 11:43 am (UTC)
The gaggle of younger children, six at a quick head count, ranged from toddler to the crawlers out on the porch and looking like they were thinking about heading down the steps. Fean's own pair peeked shyly out from behind her legs.
"Xiat, if you're interested in Oner and Fallen crosses, Rior if the father of Roddie, the tall blond boy and the three oldest girls, Pike, Kamikaze and Joust. And the mother of one of the crawlers who are about to fall down the steps."
Xiat boggled. "So the sex change spell is completely functional, and reversible."
"Oh yes."


"Xiat, if you're interested in Oner and Fallen crosses, Rior is the father of Roddie,
(Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2018 12:47 am (UTC)
I really liked this one and I can't wait for the release. Great job, keep 'em coming :)