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03 January 2018 @ 05:01 pm
_Last Merge_  


Okay, I've fixed all the typos you guys found, and I've also worked over the draft a bit.

I need any notes of where you gt bored, where you got lost, what you didn't understand.

I especially need this from anyone who hasn't read it before.


(Anonymous) on January 4th, 2018 01:57 am (UTC)
I read through it again. I think it flows better than the earlier draft. I did comment in the document about a few more typos and compound word issues, and some minor consistency issues. I can definitely see why you can't just accept the spellchecker's suggestions, especially with the Oner names. You still have a few /// in there, if you weren't aware. I'm too brain dead to do much more right now, though, between a cold and hearing news of the horrible problem a dear friend is suffering from.

matapampamuphoff on January 4th, 2018 04:02 am (UTC)
Thanks. I'm so brain dead I can't tell if it works.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on January 5th, 2018 12:43 am (UTC)
I think describing 'Bunny' as voluptuous doesn't match the rest nor her previous appearances.
matapampamuphoff on January 5th, 2018 02:16 am (UTC)
Cute little fluffy-headed young woman?
cnmckenney on January 5th, 2018 06:16 pm (UTC)
One thing I don't buy is that the shadow zone setup is such a surprise. After the Helios showing up on the surveillance planet I would think the Disco and allies would be keeping a much closer eye on where the Helios are placing their gates, both ends. It looks like a massive intelligence failure. Particularly after R'ad reports the kidnappings to Urfa in Fort Dino.
matapampamuphoff on January 6th, 2018 02:27 am (UTC)
The problem with these two books is that they happen at the same time.

The Helaos (people) from Helios(world) entered the surveillance world through the permanent gates right about the time the Shadow Zone was established. They wanted (1) to eliminate an enemy and (2) to grab healthy young male merge victims and take them to the target world though that permanent gate so the first soldiers though could merge immediately and be able to move in and out of the merge zone as needed. (3) Grab weapons and ammunition and take half into the shadow zone from Helios and half in from the Target so they had more working weapons.

Basically, when they discover the permanent gates,they realized the enemy had handed them the perfect setup.

That raid was simultaneous with the raids for students on two worlds.

The first kidnapped students, that Ra'd and Ebsa rescued, resulted in the Oner's destroying the gate mech on Helios.

Probably the major intel error was not spying on their Colony World, and finding the gate mech there. They didn't realize that until the big student raids which happened barely ahead of the Establishment of the shadow zone.
cnmckenney on January 6th, 2018 01:42 pm (UTC)
So what we have is the usual problem of a peacetime military and civilization reacting, planning, and disseminating information at peacetime speeds not at wartime speeds. The prime example of this that I am aware of is the US just pre- and post- Dec. 7. Takes time to change an institutional mindset.
ekuah on January 6th, 2018 04:13 am (UTC)
Comments withdrawn.

Edited at 2018-01-08 05:19 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous) on January 6th, 2018 05:46 am (UTC)
Found some double spaces, a quite that ought to have been quiet, a to that needed to be too . . . the usual.

Forward/intro/very brief--stating that the two books are simultaneous? Omnibus them together?

There's all of one? Rior-viewpoint scene. Can that be switched to Eldon? And where the heck did Heso vanish to mid-book?