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20 August 2017 @ 02:04 pm

Okay, I've added some bits and rather than repost it in pieces, I'd like your impressions of the story as a whole.

There are a couple of scenes i haven't written, haven't fixed the formatting and so forth, don't sweat it. I need to know if it works as a story, not a pointless vignette.


Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on August 20th, 2017 11:59 pm (UTC)
I notice Google Docs detected a 'loosing' for 'losing'
(Anonymous) on August 21st, 2017 02:04 am (UTC)
I think the story works as a story - its a small story, but you've managed to add details from different other fragments that it holds together.

I will note that I *like* your long twisty and detailed stories, so I'm always going to suggest adding more, but this has a mostly logical path and ending.

I think the only point I missed is something more detailed about Ra'd and company. There was a mention, but if you're trying to link all the "New Warriors" together, then that's the biggest hole.

As I sit here re-reading what I just wrote, I could also use a few more framing details of the sort that give a better sense of the timeline. From what's there we know that it takes place after the recall and assassination attempt, but we've had lots of fragments of other stories, and I don't know what might be taking place immediately after or even at the same time. But on the other hand, that might make it more difficult to read out of sequence....

matapampamuphoff on August 21st, 2017 03:00 am (UTC)
I'm currently making a calendar to keep track of what's going on, how much time each story takes, how much time inbetween, and whether there's anything in any of the stories that needs to be in a specific season.

Makes my eyes cross.

I think of where to toss in some anchor points to help the reader.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on August 21st, 2017 10:01 pm (UTC)
Maybe you also need a rough estimate of the number of Worlds in The Council of Worlds and embassies on Embassy from year to year

== A few lights out almost to the horizon to mark the city down there, where hundreds of worlds met to solve their differences peacefully.==

It's a town in _The Boy_ - how long for each world given Disco's tiny staff and the needed Gates?
mbarkermbarker on August 22nd, 2017 01:35 am (UTC)
You could always get an eager fan to run a wiki, and then all you need to do is suggest that you want a dramatis personae (sp? cast of characters), timeline, and whatever else, and watch the fans populate it. You can also add in your own notes, of course. No, I'm not volunteering...
matapampamuphoff on August 22nd, 2017 03:22 am (UTC)
Well, if I ever break out of my small circle of fans I may both need such a thing and have acquired someone masochistic enough to do it.
mbarkermbarker on August 21st, 2017 05:11 am (UTC)
He eyed her dyspeptically. His complexion was too dark to pale much, but he did look almost greenish and the muscles in his face were tight.

At this point, I was laughing out loud. And I've read all this before!

Now, the question was whether this is a good story? YES! Do we need to beg you to finish it up and kick it out there? Please?
matapampamuphoff on August 21st, 2017 01:42 pm (UTC)
I'm just futzing around trying to figure out what order to publish things in, for my Fall Blitz.

And then do covers for them.

And formatting and so forth.

Edited at 2017-08-21 05:26 pm (UTC)
mbarkermbarker on August 22nd, 2017 01:32 am (UTC)
Okay. The "pointless vignette" kind of worried me -- sometimes we have trouble seeing whether our own stories are good or not. Didn't want anyone to miss this!
mbarkermbarker on August 21st, 2017 07:21 am (UTC)
Let me add -- I think the bookends (Chapter one and the tail end of the last chapter/epilogue) do a good job holding the whole thing together.
matapampamuphoff on August 21st, 2017 04:09 pm (UTC)
How do you guys even _see_ all those missing commas and apostrophes? Thank you.

I've done a slight rewrite of the last three scenes, and now I'll go write the brief scenes I skipped before.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on August 21st, 2017 10:04 pm (UTC)
Grammarly claims to know, I think it puts too many commas in.