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11 April 2017 @ 10:01 am

Cooking Hot

Pam Uphoff

" . . . And I'd really love to go back in a few years when, in theory, the heat's off, and just strip that museum. Look for other buildings. Find out where they went." Ebsa scowled at the fabs. "Even Rat shish kabob was better than anything these could possibly produce."

Ra's snickered. "Right. Three days after a totally disastrous field mission and you're complaining about the food."

"Well . . . " Ebsa prowled around the corner. The Directorate building was the smallest of the three office-and-housing towers of the Empire's embassy on the crossdimensional world of Embassy. The third floor contained the gym, a med station and the cafeteria, surrounding the central core of elevators, stairs and utilities.

Ebsa stopped in front of a locked door.

"Storage or something." Ra'd shook his head. "It's like you believe in magic and think you can create delicious meals out of nothing."

"Fabbed ingredients can be made into perfectly edible food." Edsa tapped his fingers on the door knob. It clicked and he pulled it open.

"See? Cleaning equipment . . . " Ra'd's voice failed as Ebsa flicked on the light.

"And beyond the mops, ta da! A nice little kitchenette. I wonder if it works?"

"You can't even get to it. There's tables shoved in there, on end. Not to mention all the floor polishers and so forth. It's a junk room, not a kitchen."

A laugh from behind them. "The deadly duo, back together. No wonder I felt the Multiverse quake in terror."

Ebsa put down a robotic sterilizer and glanced back. "Hey Ogly. They didn't send you guys back either?"

Ra'd was frowning at their old nemisis from college days. "Ogly. Heard you abused my gun."

Ogly just grinned. "Killed twenty-four giant rats with eighteen shots. And my shoulder. Definitely killed my shoulder."


Ebsa snickered, watching Ogly try to figure out just what part Ra'd found good.

More men crowded up behind them. The two Action Teams, the construction and maintenance crew.

"Now if we can just move all this stuff out of the kitchen . . . "


"I must say, Izzo, the Directorate coddles it's projects. I can't believe you'd send a chef like this into the wilds to nearly get eaten by giant rats."

Izzo looked over his shoulder to where one of the top Warriors was amusing himself turning out five star dinners. He strengthened his Parisian accent. "Scientific expeditions do get our top personnel."

Ambassador Ashe half closed his eyes as he chewed. "I don't suppose the fellow's from Montevideo? There's a superb restaurant down there, and this is their signature dish. In fact, it's better. Bring that fellow over, won't you?"

Izzo caught Ebsa's eye and crooked a finger.

"Director Izzo?" Ebsa wasn't well known to him, but occasionally encountered during training sessions at Versalle.

The Ambassador smirked. "Yes, as I suspected, a Uruguay accent. Does Madam Castellanos know you've stolen her green peppercorn sauce recipe?"

"Distinctive, isn't it, sir? And yes, I learned it under her tutelage."

The Ambassador sat back looking smug. "But once word gets out that you've used it, stolen a recipe from your Head Chef, you'll never get a position in a top kitchen."

Ebsa raised his brows. A twinkle of amusement in his eyes. "Good thing I like the Directorate, then, sir."

"I could pay you more. You wouldn't be sent off to weird hellholes to cook for Action Teamers."

Izzo blinked. "Trying to steal a cook? In full public view, Ashe?"

"I thank you for the offer, sir. But I really like going Across. Please enjoy your meal." Ebsa stepped back and half turned before the ambassador spoke.

"I really can keep you from ever getting a position."

Ebsa turned back and eyed the man. "Actually, that is my recipe, which my mother uses at Castellanos. I cook for relaxation and enjoyment. In between weird Across postings with . . . Izzo . . . what am I actually classified right now? Am I still Action, or have I clawed my way back up to Exploration Teams?"

"The subdirectors are still fighting over you."

"Oh One! Well, I'd best get back to feeding people."

Izzo let a hint of smirk show as he picked up his fork. "I must get down to Montevideo again, and try that restaurant."

muirecanmuirecan on April 11th, 2017 06:23 pm (UTC)
I think this one is following the mission where they meet the elves. That and it had nasty vicious wildlife. Giant bugs bursting out of the ground inside their perimeter, giant ants, giant rats. The fun never stops. And of course Ebsa wants to relax by cooking 5 start meals for everyone. Note how everyone who has a clue followed him as he found a kitchen to cook in. Up and to and including Izzo. :D

I love the thought about one of the top warriors amusing himself by turning out superior food. :D
matapampamuphoff on April 11th, 2017 08:05 pm (UTC)
And Ra'd's an artist.
ekuah on April 11th, 2017 08:20 pm (UTC)
He is a painter, to be precise. With a preference to paint old gods. (or so I heard at least ;-)
muirecanmuirecan on April 11th, 2017 09:28 pm (UTC)
The old gods tend to object to people running up and putting paint on them.
mbarkermbarker on April 12th, 2017 01:54 am (UTC)
Depends on where you put the paint, doesn't it?
(Anonymous) on April 11th, 2017 06:42 pm (UTC)
I LIKE this.
I love seeing Ebsa coming into his own.

When will we be seeing the story just before this? I think I remember seeing snippets previously, but i don't recall exactly what happened.
Also, what happened with the story line where Prophet Emre addressed the (assembly?) and Ebsa was outed as a warrior? Did i miss that one?
muirecanmuirecan on April 11th, 2017 07:09 pm (UTC)
Re: I LIKE this.
I love Ebsa interactions. They are so delightful.

If I have it right the story line with Emre is either the intro to the rat story or not long before the rat story. I think all of this comes before Ebsa and Paer's wedding. That one we have also seen snippets from.

Anyway the time line runs something like

-Emre holds his announcement and he public ally declares the new warriors Isaakson has been training. The day after the announcement Ebsa keeps getting looks from people thinking ... No he couldn't have been the warrior up on the stage. That must have been somebody else who looks exactly like Ebsa.

-Ebsa Paer and a handful of others rescue everyone from rat world. Also meet the elves.

-Ebsa and Paer's wedding

Anyway the fun part of this snippet is how Ebsa has Ra'd, 2 Action Teams, a Maintenance Team, a Construction Crew all following him around as he looks for a functional kitchen. Yet at the same time not one of the people in those groups would doubt for a moment how bad ass and dangerous Ebsa is. Well ok the Embassy Ambassador who hasn't a clue and apparently just thinks Ebsa is a 5 star Chef. Not that Ebsa isn't a 5 star chef along with being a bad ass Warrior of The One.
ekuah on April 11th, 2017 08:03 pm (UTC)
Re: I LIKE this.
Okay. That rat story was 'Project Dystopia' and can be found in the archive from August 14th to September 18th 2015.

And muirecan, I'm sorry to correct you but:

Paer and Ebsa are on that 'rat world project' for the whole time (more or less)

But you are right, Ebsa playing honor guard for prophet Emre is right at the beginning of that story.
It takes place right after 'Black Point Clan' (as Pam mentioned)
muirecanmuirecan on April 11th, 2017 09:27 pm (UTC)
Re: I LIKE this.
Oh very interesting rereading the intro to project dystopia. I had caught and been pondering the fact that Ebsa and The One seem to interact from time to time. Look at several of the classes in the Directorate school stories where Ebsa influences the room. It made me wonder about his potential as a philosopher. I had forgotten that Emre thinks that Ebsa would make an excellent Philosopher of Justice. Though he is glad Ebsa didn't take that role and that they got Ahja in the role of philosopher.
ekuah on April 12th, 2017 02:22 pm (UTC)
By the way Pam...
...If you run out of ideas, you could still let Ebsa get kidnapped by very competitive witches, to have a cookout contest.
(maybe some of Nighthawk's less civilized relatives)
'So you think you are hot stuff and can cook? A Male? Don't kid us. Or are they calling some button-pressing on a machine cooking today?'
matapampamuphoff on April 12th, 2017 02:31 pm (UTC)
Re: By the way Pam...
I was sort of thinking this would lead into an Embassy-wide Cook-off and fair. But I haven't thought up a disaster or crime or other skullduggery to wrap it around.
ekuah on April 12th, 2017 03:07 pm (UTC)
Re: By the way Pam...
Maybe the first "Interdimensional Culinary Championship"

And for the second one they have to update the rules.
'No poisons,nanotechnology or magic allowed' ;-)

Ebsa could be banned from competition because he is a 'directorate agent' and a 'warrior of the one'.

Some contenders could have their nose completely out of joint, (Like the official wedding planners in Ebsa's wedding)
and could come up with some hideous creations. (like whipped cream from chipmunk milk)

The different contenders, which compete to represent their world, could also try to sabotage each other. (Like in 'Olympian') Maybe spiking the 'coq au vin' with joy juice?

You could come up with really scary creations, that shock the crap out of the otherworldly judges. Like 'Steamed horse leg with mint sauce on palmhearts' from Purple. (Poor Paer)

I forgot.
I bet the Comet Fall entries 'Pink Bunny Stew' and 'Goat Roast Scoonian style' would also cause some raised eyebrows. ("They wouldn't do that, or would they???")

Edited at 2017-04-12 03:49 pm (UTC)
matapampamuphoff on April 12th, 2017 04:26 pm (UTC)
Re: By the way Pam...
Not by anyone who knows Dydit . . . although he'd probably think it was funny. But Never might not be amused.
ekuah on April 12th, 2017 04:47 pm (UTC)
Re: By the way Pam...
I thought more of an old recipe supplied by Nil ;-)
prepared by Rustle's sister.
I'm not sure if they would dare to scorn them for that.

I just wanted to suggest dishes which would cause some readers to grin.