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28 June 2016 @ 10:08 pm
_Directorate School_  
So are there any big plot holes? Anything that needs more attention? I wouldn't mind bulking it up just a few thousand words, get it over 60K words.
ekuah on June 29th, 2016 08:48 am (UTC)
Do you only want to have pointed out plot holes?
Or would you also accept suggestions where the plot could be beefed up?
matapampamuphoff on June 29th, 2016 10:51 am (UTC)
Go ahead. As you guys have noticed, I'll ignore what I don't like or what doesn't fit where I'm aiming the universe.
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on June 29th, 2016 04:36 pm (UTC)
Have you got anything on Heak ?

The Brain gets the 'jumping' matter (shows more of E's character) and his skills are needed but Heak seems just there to be a sidekick.

Can we show more about Paer this way or in some way ?

Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on June 29th, 2016 09:17 pm (UTC)
Possible global change.

%%%% Damasq? It’s Dimashq in _Empire_ assuming it’s the same place Damascus Dimashq OTL - LE %%%%
matapampamuphoff on June 30th, 2016 02:55 am (UTC)
One of the problems with NaNoWriNo is not stopping to check things because you might fall behind your word count. Thank you!
(Anonymous) on June 30th, 2016 05:28 am (UTC)
Maybe a bit of foreshadowing here and there that Ebsa's mom is right to be concerned that he's interested in Paer?
More Ra'd/Nighthawk bickering over societal differences? This is one of the Entry Point books, and if it can raise romantic tension it totally wouldn't count as an info dump, right?
matapampamuphoff on June 30th, 2016 04:16 pm (UTC)
I've tossed in a brief chapter before Lord Hell's holiday trip.

Does it work? Or is it unneeded?
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on July 2nd, 2016 10:51 pm (UTC)
I don't think it works.

But it was also in conflict with Rescue Mission and Trouble In Paradise ?

==C hecked his own. Heh, nothing to brag about, other than, as a Teams trainee his standings in martial arts was in there, first, first, fourth, first for the start of the semester scores. First in the final, pre-graduation sorting. Sensei Ikku had replaced Sensei Arvi their last year, and the new trainer of the top students had been quite determined that an upcomer clostuone was not going to beat his newly acquired Action Trainees.==

== The old Sensei had been replaced halfway through the last Spring semester. Poor Arvi! Blamed for the actions of his stupid students. ==

I think the timing implied by these accounts is more plausible than you have here.

A 'tell not show' before Lord Hell's holiday trip might be useful structurally, as a 'show' would have to be longer but this IMO isn't it.

Since the 'statutes' haven't returned yet I think more uncertainty least they return and finger who suggested the kidnapping ?
matapampamuphoff on July 3rd, 2016 03:38 am (UTC)
Would something shorter like this work:

The first day of the spring semester started with a blizzard.

Ebsa hustled out of the administration building, last winter's coat tight across his shoulders and a bit short in the sleeves. A pile of class assignments. But most of the classes were Team track.

Intro to Information Sciences. More History, of course. Magic will be fun . . . I hope. Intro to Geology, Comparative Cultures, and One help me, Infiltrations of the Empire. I'm going to be studying Xen Wolfson. Can I get extra credit for having met him? Probably not.

Martial Arts. Assigned times at the shooting range.

Introduction to Large Field Equipment. Yippee!

But there are just three semesters to go. Plus the two internships. I'll get one out of the way this summer. If there's enough time, possibly both of them.

And once I graduate, the Multiverse is mine!

Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on July 3rd, 2016 09:01 pm (UTC)
Yes, that works better.

Perhaps ++ I now know I can get there and once I graduate, the Multiverse is mine! ++