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03 March 2016 @ 03:30 pm
_First Assignments_  
I was going to snippet this, but it's short, and I decided I'd prefer your reaction to the thing as a whole.

(Anonymous) on March 4th, 2016 12:38 am (UTC)
That ending. Ra'd is awesome.

Kael has no clue how lucky she is, does she? That he has the self restraint not to kill that guy, I mean, and then force a hearing on Warriors' privileges and all. (Call your daughter, Kael! She can fill you in.) Ra'd deserves a better country to serve.

Well, initial reaction, there you go. I'll go typo later when I get to my computer. Cell phone commenting is tricksy enough, I'd probably mess everything up from here.
(Anonymous) on March 4th, 2016 05:00 am (UTC)
Aside from a bunch of mis-spelling, which the spellchecker is catching anyway, I had a small problem with character identification in the first two pages - put a few more names in paragraphs to indicate who's speaking.

matapampamuphoff on March 4th, 2016 10:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, and on Kael has no idea . . . the worst thing that could have happened would have been the Action Team gang raping the Chief's daughter. Because Disco was casting an eye that direction. The Empire really, really doesn't want Disco to decide that stopping the One from Annexing any more inhabited worlds isn't going far enough.

I've added a line to the first section about that.

You will obey his orders." She leaned forward on her desk and stared at Olli. "Whether you like them or not. The last damned thing we need is Disco getting a toehold on one of our colonies. So if Ucle tells you to arrest the farmers, do it."

I can't believe I keep bringing Kael back into the series!
Michawl DolbearMichawl Dolbear on March 4th, 2016 03:37 pm (UTC)
Do you want a typo scan too ?

The "three parallel threads" structure is doubtless good for your craft techniques. One problem is the resultant cascade of new names, perhaps adding an adjective to some would help the readers keep track ?

On continuity you will have a lot of smoothing to do to fit this story against "Short Term Assignment", nominally 2 years later. Also if Ebsa makes friends or enemies now they will still be in the background later so you can't just forget or ignore them all.

How about making Paer the lead and major PoV ?

For other readers, "Short Term Assignment" has Ebsa back from a year as a clerk and R'ad just out of jail with 'recent' stamped all over.

Edited at 2016-03-04 03:41 pm (UTC)
matapampamuphoff on March 4th, 2016 04:46 pm (UTC)
If you notice a typo, mark it, but don't bother with a serious search.

I'm compacting my time line a bit. As labeled on my master copies, this starts in May/Juneish of 1404 and Short Term Assignment in Marchish of 1405. So Ebsa has just under a year of clerking before ST. Even so, there's not nearly a year's worth of action in the story, So I may need to move up ST again.

Which leaves me with less time between Cannibal World and Rescue Mission than I'd like. But since I haven't really written Cannibal yet, I could easily finish it off with the understanding that the Helio's universe has slowed so much it _will_ merge like it or not, with the next world it encounters. So I can make that a bit of an emergency scramble to see what it's going to hit, as it has just now gotten into the local group, so to speak, of worlds they know.

Sometimes I think I have a god complex . . .
matapampamuphoff on March 4th, 2016 04:53 pm (UTC)
Ra'd's ending makes for more impact, so he gets the most page time in a story about the three of them just starting out. Paer's progression is much less bumpy than either of the guys', but perhaps I should see what she does while Ebsa and Ra'd are off playing with dinosaurs.
John B. ConnellJohn B. Connell on March 4th, 2016 03:43 pm (UTC)
I like getting the more detailed explanation on why Ra'd beat up his team. I also wonder if there might be some continuity issues with other stories you have previously posted here.

Typos: there were a couple of places in the scene with Paer in the ER near the end where your tenses slipped.

Other than that a good read.
matapampamuphoff on March 4th, 2016 04:57 pm (UTC)
Oh, tons of continuity problems.

And doing things like this, that fits in between stuff already written causes more. I'm to the point where I have to really be careful about checking. If it's not published, I can change it. A few of the things that were written very early, but later in the series, like _Black Point Clan_ are probably going to need to be completely rewritten before they can be published.