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21 January 2016 @ 09:00 am
Sorry, guys. It's been busy, here.

Plus it occured to me that I need to seriously emphasize the main story problem. As soon as I find it. "Ericka is dirt poor" well, she's solved that, and as a story problem it's pretty weak. "Ericka kills her brother." Tempting, but Tyrone has parts in several books yet unpublished. "A bunch of dirt poor lazy 'farmers' become magic . . . and are too lazy to get trained enough to be effective" doesn't really work.

Feel free to make suggestions.
(Anonymous) on January 22nd, 2016 12:03 am (UTC)

You seem to be grouping this story with others that tell about aspects of the hunt for the "Hors de ...". What is here is entertaining, but I don't see a connection to the others. If you're trying to show how the magical potions get distributed, maybe, but Teri and/or Jade already know how to make them, so you need to get them to other players. If Erika is supposed to play a role in a jail-break, or finding the gang, or whatever, then get on with that story. Other than "here's a way to get rich", I don't really see a value to the real estate deal.

Also, you're running into a moral area here. What are the reasons for why these people behave this way? You've written them into caricatures, and unless you can add some more depth or show some personal change, the magic is just going to emphasize the caricature. And I think the "lazy bums" story line was also in the earlier stories about Easterly, so it might be hard to steer this differently. Yes, the background was effective for moving Easterly out to bigger things, but do you really need the same sort of story to drive another person's character?

If you can't find a real reason for including these fragments in to the whole "gang" story line, I think you may want to drop them.

matapampamuphoff on January 22nd, 2016 12:30 am (UTC)
This is one of the side threads that I pulled out of a longer story. It was basically all to explain how Prince Garit gets dosed with a hodgepodge of spells, gains magical abilities, along with paranoia, ambition, five hair color spells resulting in serious hair loss and cold blooded manipulation of Q, distrust of Xen . . .

It's needed for the series, and these guys are all regularly appearing characters, but as a free standing story it's definitely weak.

If I get desperate, it might turn into Ericka finding true love.
hollybambolo on January 22nd, 2016 05:42 pm (UTC)
How Ericka comes to terms with magic that changed her personality, appearence, and everything?
While Before Ericka wasn't particularly introspective, After Ericka could be. She's much more ambitious, smarter.
An exploration of what having the power to, well, change someone that throughly means. Ericka didn't agree to the changes, after all, but no one intended her to get changed, either. The folks Teri targeted, that's some sort of crime. The closest parralel in our world would be Brainwashing or Stockholm Syndrome, but this goes much deeper.
Would the Oners or Earthers want that magic? I'm thinking that's a resounding yes for at least Oners: just think what they could do to their dissidents. Earth would have to figure if they want that ability or fear genetic engineering more.
(Anonymous) on January 23rd, 2016 11:39 pm (UTC)
Those are all good details, and I like the revision so far. If Garrit needs to be involved, perhaps try to get a scene from his pov early(er), just to lead in?
matapampamuphoff on January 23rd, 2016 11:43 pm (UTC)
Garit's a whole different story. He won't appear in this one at all, although I may mention the soldiers passing through on a bandit sweep, just to show afterwards where the stories briefly intersect.
James ResoldierJames Resoldier on February 1st, 2016 08:46 pm (UTC)
I'm a little late in commenting, but think about this. One of the biggest problems with lottery winners is the flood of people who wan them to donate some of that money to various causes, both legitimate and scams. For some types of people, it works quite well, as the scammers can often convince them that it was all "free money" to begin with, so why not spread it around...

Also, nuvo riche tend to have a sense of unreality when it comes to their new-found wealth, thinking that it's an unlimited supply. Thus it tends to disappear just as quickly as it came.